How do you tell a man that he is bila finesse? Do they understand what this means? This prompts the start-off question: What exactly does finesse entail? Now, some women lack finesse at times as well, but as a single woman in Nairobi, I am more concerned with these bila-finesse men in our midst, who then wonder about why they are single.
I am not talking about those men who pull out chairs for ladies, or hold the lift-doors open for women, or even those men who let ladies go through doors first. These are chivalrous acts that may be used to cover up the bila-finesse-ness of these men. I am talking about something deeper than those surface actions that men believe will show that they are gentlemen, thus worthy of our time and attention.
The natural order of relationships, in my mind, is a basic one. Boy meets girl, boy wants girl, boy shows girl that he likes her by spending time with her, calling her to enquire about her and things in her life, girl may begin to like boy, boy indicates his increased sexual interest in girl (after spending a sufficient amount of time getting to know the girl’s exter-sexual attributes or, just perhaps, ensuring that the girl believes that he values her for far more than her bosom, her lips, her eyes…you can fill in the blank here as needed since women have so many features available for strategic flattery and compliments), girl then chooses whether or not this boy should be allowed into her… inner sanctum. Ahem. At this point, Happily Ever After should then begin.
Now, these stages may vary and can also be interchangeable. This depends on the people in question; their age, background, family pressures, etc… The glue that holds these stages together, allowing the boy and the girl to progress through the natural order of their particular relationship steps, is finesse. Finesse, on both sides, allows the parties in question to build a comfortable environment in which their budding relationship may flourish.
We run into a problem, however, when the initiator in the relationship, usually the man, is bila finesse.
The exact nature of finesse is intangible. It’s more about the feelings invoked within the receiving party and less about the actions carried out by the giving party. How many times has a seemingly random phone call or text message from a man of interest put a smile on your face? What about when that man gently places his hand on the small of your back as he guides you across the street, into a room or whatever…you know that feeling? Like you are being taken care of, right? Though cliché, when a man knows how to make a woman feel appreciated, finesse is at play. Lying, however, is not finesse. Not even if you get away with it.
Finesse is about making a woman comfortable around you, allowing her to let down her guard and, in most cases, she will then be 85% aware of your romantic interest. Bila-finesse-ness takes away the opportunity for men to get across to women in such a way that allows the women to become romantically comfortable around them.
I was introduced to a certain man a year ago by some mutual friends. We did not date but we did hang out with the same crowd. He seemed nice enough. He pulled out my chair for me at our second meeting but then he asked me a few minutes later, in the midst of our group lunch, why I had so many pimples on my face. Now, ladies, we all know about pimples and their monthly timing. This was only our second meeting and, to top it off, he seemed to not realize how uncomfortable he made me feel. Nonetheless, despite this rocky start, his friends seemed determined to campaign for him, stating to me how sure they were that he liked me, as in liked me. His bila finesse, however, had me thinking otherwise because not only did he never call me, he never seemed interested in just being nice or pleasant to me.
Another bila finesse move is making a woman wait for you unnecessarily. I am well aware of African Time; 20-30 minutes past any pre-quoted time. A friend of a friend called to ask me out, which I thought was rather adorable. He asked me to be ready in an hour. I was ready in 45 minutes. About 3 hours later, I was still waiting for him to show up. Classic bila finesse move.
If a man is bila finesse, it’s simple. Please tell him… with finesse.